If I don't get this off my chest I might explode into a gazillion itty bitty pieces. I hate how I feel right now. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, like someone else is controlling my thoughts and I can't stop them from doing so. Guess who's fault it is, MINE!!! I made the choices, I took the action, I was the instigator knowing full well this is where I would end up. I thought I could control it this time, I think that every time. It's time to own up to the fact that I can't. I can't live with this kind of chaos in my brain, it's enough to drive me completely insane. I know better, I need to do better. My strength in every area of my life gave way to weakness. I'm not a weak woman but I've been making the choices of one. Why did I let myself backslide? Sadly, because it was easier to say yes instead of no. I wish I had an excuse or some crazy story as to why I got lazy, but I don't. It was easier to "belong" than to stand on my own two feet and fight for what I deserved. I chose easier now for harder later, that NEVER works, E-V-E-R! The point is.....I need to make better choices, period. There is no need for me to beat myself up, what's done is done. However, if I don't hold myself accountable and move forward, I will be stuck in bad decision land feeling like a god damn lunatic. sigh, ahhhhhh.....better already :).
“Are we putting this little shit on the tree or not?”
| — | My Mother: A deeply religious person referring to the angel |
