So, I got my MRI cd yesterday but I didnt get a copy of the dictation report till today.
Of course everyone is working so I have no one to talk to about this at the moment.
I'm terrified.......I don't know what else to say. 
I havent cried out of fear in quite some time but.......
I just had a BIG ole breakdown.
Most of the report doesnt scare me.
However, severe right neural forminal stenosis sends me spiraling into anxiety driven
tears of fear.  Not mild, not moderate, severe.
The treatment for severe neural forminal stenosis is open back surgery.
I'm not prepared to face this, my level of preparedness is denial at the moment.



I'M JUST TIRED!!!!!!


I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of having to live so proactively that you would think I was 50
years old, I'm tired of having to deal with such serious things, I'm tired of doctors(any type),
I'm tired of having no life, I'm tired of pushing people away because I know how damaged I
am, I'm tired of medications, I'm tired of therapy, I'm tired of being told I just have to deal and I got dealt a shitty hand, I'm tired fighting every day.

Today, I'm out of fight, today has defeated me in every sense of the word.
I reside in defeat today.